Man-Bear-Pig

Well here I am mindlessly diving into a trend like one of you plebs. Honestly I got to thinking about the bear vs man meme and posted my thoughts in a comment section about it, and decided to just take that and post it here as well, haha. So here we go, this is the perspective of a man who is not offended by this meme. 

Does the situation make me sad? Yes it is does. Does it make me feel like my demographic is now more noticeably held in a lower regard? You could say that. But so does recognising that my "race" confers advantages, (or if you prefer, lacks disadvantages) different to those experienced by other races.

Both of these are similar educational experiences. Not in the sense that they make me realise something about me is tainted or in some way shameful, but because its opens my eyes to the perspective of people I may not normally relate to. It's an "Oh! That's what it's like for them?" moment.

Experiences like these do make me sad, but only because I am being made aware of a sad thing. And yes the cause of that negativity can be assigned to demographics of which I am, loosely, a member. But I don't take that as an attack. How could I? I am not my demographic. They are not monoliths. This is what every civil rights campaign throughout history has been all about, teaching us that things can be individually or even systemically true but are not reflective of people as a whole.

It's an honest experience being conveyed to me, not a personal judgement. I haven't yet felt like anyone is saying "YOU are worse than a bear". I hear people saying "I fear the bear, I fear men. I fear bears less than men. I don't know you, so on balance, I would rather meet the bear". Sure, maybe some people are using this to shame and attack all men just because it's an excuse to be cruel and tribal. People do love their little clubs. But this phenomenon clearly extends far beyond any such outliers, the majority of people talking about this aren't doing it to hurt me. 

It's not about me, it's about them. It's not an attack, it's an honest expression of sincere emotion. It hurts me, yes. Both out of empathy and on some selfish level of not wanting to be seen as a dangerous predator. But no one is coming *at* me with that. They are just saying men have hurt them. No, not men like me. But they don't know that. Just like the black man knows only of my privilege, not whether I feel entitled to it. To judge the privilege is not to judge the demographic.

When I hear about the bear meme it makes me aware of the fact that so many other men have fallen so far short of the mark of basic decency that women can't safely assume any of us are less dangerous than a bear. I don't like this, but it isn't an opinion I am disliking, it's the facts that inform it. I don't like the FACT that it's true so many women feel that way.

But it is true, isn't it? That's all that's being offered here. A truthful, honest opinion. How can I be offended by an honest sentiment? They are not targeting me. My fellow men drew the target. The people agreeing on the bear are just... Acknowledging it. The only reason it would affect me emotionally is if I took it personally. What's the point in taking a sincere expression of personal feeling personally? It's *not* an attack. It's not about me.

Now I commend your compassion, and I think you have a valid point. Even though I don't think they SHOULD take it personally, clearly a lot of of men are doing so. Their pain is real. It should not be trivialized. But they can be educated about how to process that pain constructively. If your gender is so important to you that someone being intimidated by it wounds you, you're missing the point. We shouldn't be so concerned with how this tangentially makes us look. We have to put that ego aside and realise that the important thing is that WOMEN ARE AFRAID OF US.

All they are doing is making me aware of it. I don't want it to be true, and it's not my fault that it is true. But it's definitely not their fault either. So by getting mad at them for pointing it out, all I would be doing is rallying with the men who caused that fear. By saying an attack on them is an attack on me, I adopt them. I don't want to adopt them. I don't want to stand with people like that. Why would I be offended, then, by someone saying "THOSE people made me afraid of men." I'm not those people. I am their victim, as are the women made distrusting of men (though not to the same extent of course).

We need to distinguish between being made sad about a fact of reality and being made sad because someone DID that to you by being sad at you. It's an incredibly childish attitude, when you think about it, to conflate these two things. Think about this in any other context. Person 1 puts a label on their lunch in the company fridge because person 2 keeps taking it. Why should I have to read a warning that tells me not to steal the lunch? I'm not a lunch thief! Because the world doesn't revolve around me. You could also say the same about laws. Why should I have to wear a seat belt? I'm a good driver! Answer - because I'm not the only driver on the road.

When one person causes harm it changes the dynamics of the world for us all, to some degree, because for better or worse we are all connected. Some people fight that connection to their dying breath, finding abhorrance in any form of tolerance, compassion, and kindness. The sorts of people who take shelter in misogyny or dumb macho crap, in wild homo/transphobia, ridiculous conspiracy theories and a paradoxical hatred and fetish for authority. We all know the type. And it doesn't surprise me how strong an overlap there seems to be between that group and the people complaining about the bear meme.

But that connection can also be embraced and doing so can make us stronger, both as individuals and collectively. I'm not offended by the bear. Because women are trying to tell me something. Even if I disagree, which I don't necessarily, it's something they honestly feel. That's something I can learn from. I want to know how I'm being seen, even if I wish I were being seen in a better light. I want to know that people do things to earn that perspective so I can call it out when I see it more effectively. So I can set a better example. So I can show the women in my life that I'm better than a bear. Why would I want to do that? Because they are *telling* me they want to know it. What's wrong with listening and learning?

Are we really so prideful, as a species, that the mere idea of there being something new we need to learn is offensive to the point of triggering a neurosis? Are we so *arrogant* that we will ignore a huge collective of people telling us something is wrong just because we got splashed by a brush that was only as broad as it needed to be? It's become such a theme of modern society, to yell how dare you at the truth. We need to be better. We need to learn how to to learn again. Not take the recognition of our own ignorance as an attack. 

It's not an attack on me, to know other men have caused this fear, because I don't associate myself with them. What the men who react emotionally to this meme really need to do is ask themselves why they *do*. And maybe, in that, there is another lesson to be learned. If it's so offensive to be regarded more vicious than a wild animal, maybe getting irrationally angry and aggressive at the ones expressing that fear is, literally, the problem.