Thanks-having

On my side of the pond we don’t have thanksgiving, but I like to think we appreciate the motivations behind the holiday and share in the general sentiment of gratitude and love that goes along with it. But sometimes I feel like the idea behind this holiday is kind of lost in modern cultural translation. And no I’m not talking about the historical horrors and abuses underlining it or any of that nonsense, I think it’s fine to let a holiday move on to a new meaning.

What I mean is, we have lost perspective of what to give and why. Instead of giving thanks for what we have, we thank each other for giving. An honourable concept, certainly, but perhaps a little too intertwined with static concepts centred on the bounty of food you are blessed with and other such thank-worthy, but somewhat trivial things. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, but the name always felt like it should call to something more than that.

Perhaps, instead, we should re-purpose part of this season to something less specific. Something more generally about gratitude and appreciation. Thanksgiving is over, but perhaps the spirit of giving thanks need not end with it. I’m proposing a new holiday. A single day dedicated to a simple concept. Giving thanks not or what you have been given, or will be given, but for what you already have. A thanks-having.

Think about it. How many times has this happened to you?

You wake up to find that something is wrong. Maybe you’ve suddenly acquired a terribly sore throat, or a pulsing headache. Maybe the sweet bliss of sleep had allowed you to temporarily forget having lost something. An item of furniture, a job, a friend. Waking up to that negative change is the worst moment of your day.

You wish you could go back to before it happened. To before the pain or loss wasn’t there. You catch yourself looking back on past-you with envy and anger. Wishing that person had taken more joy in what they had while it was there. Even a relatively mundane problem like an ailment can torment you as your sore throat or headache or whatever it is burns away at your nerves and instils this terrible sense of discomfort that you can only imagine escaping.

You can no longer remember what it feels like to have a throat that lacks that ragged, clawed raw feeling. You wish you could again sample just a moment of normalcy where that blasted ache went away and gave you the sweet few seconds of reprieve like all the pressure in your head had simply been diffused with a gentle pop of a balloon. That tiny sliver of what every other day is like would be the greatest relief to you, and yet in everyday life how often do you take the time to truly appreciate it?

Perhaps this scenario is altogether more serious and heartbreaking. Maybe a loved one has gone from your life. Their place at the dining table conspicuously barren. Maybe that stab of not seeing them there still gets you every day. Did they truly know how much you loved them? Of course they did, you tell yourself. And yet you find yourself wishing for just one last chance to look them in the eyes and say it all while you commit to memory every curl and crease, every splash of colour, every unique peak or valley of their voice. You wish you had that perfect moment where the two of you both completely knew all was well in the world that you may revisit that instant at any time.

The truth is of course they knew how you felt, and no memory is really that pristine. These standards we hold our past selves too are unfair and little more than fodder in the eternal war we wage against ourselves. Nevertheless, why do we go through life mourning the things we lose, suffering the burdens we have acquired, always wishing we had taken the time to really “know” those times where all was well? Why not just do it? Why not dedicate a day towards ticking off a check-list of things to sit and just... enjoy?

It is a common argument in philosophy that we NEED the bad things like pain or loss in order to give the good things value. Perhaps that explains why pain even exists at all. As a biological mechanism I always found it silly. An internal alert that never shuts up chanting “SOMETHING’S WRONG” in your ear as if you could magically snap your fingers and set it right instantly. I always looked upon that system as utterly flawed – but then, perhaps there is merit to this idea. Maybe without it, life would be even more complacent and dreary.

I have, in the past, heard people attempt to argue against this point by saying things like “I don’t need to nearly lose my leg in order to take joy in the fact that I still have mine”. I find that to be disingenuous. We’ve all experienced that moment of absolute panic where something we love or depend on was nearly lost to us. A child left behind in a supermarket. A favourite toy mysteriously gone missing. Your life endangered. That moment when you get it back is undeniably ecstatic, and filled with a far deeper appreciation for having it than you ever experienced before.

Maybe we do need the bad, but there’s no reason to wait until it arrives at our doorstep to at least attempt to cherish the good. There’s really no point in waiting until we nearly lose something before we dedicate ourselves to that moment of true appreciation for it. Let us all agree to do that anyway. At least once a year, let us take note of everything that is actually right in our lives and simply love it. Is this something that anyone finds easy to do? Has society trained us to value only the negative? Even if so, let us break that programming for this one day.

Right now, pick something on your body that isn’t hurting. Imagine the coming day when that part of you inevitably fails or finds itself under attack by the cruelty of life. The moment when it is in unbearable pain, and you’re there cradling it, wish you could return to a moment when all was well. THIS moment right now.  As you are there, trying to envision a return to that status quo which seems so impossible, you are also here, right now, actually able to experience and memorize that boring normalcy in all its simple splendour.

I’ve tested this in years gone by, and it DOES actually work. When I have found myself lacking a pain I had been feeling, I took the time to do exactly what I had been chiding myself for not doing. I took a moment to simply enjoy not being in that pain any more. To attempt to understand what it feels like not being in that pain. What DOES a normal, unhurting throat feel like? What DOES a headachel-less head feel like? I meticulously scanned these feelings that I may know, next time it happens, that even if I've lost the good, I took the time to truly experience it while I was able.

I forced myself to appreciate what I had so that next time my future self would not find his anguish further salted with the knowledge that he never really took advantage of that chance to be grateful for what he had while it was there. It does actually take the edge off when you return to that pain. It alleviates that extra little weight you feel from wondering what normalcy feels like. If only we could learn to do this with everything our life grants us. How much richer might life be? How lighter would the darker days become?

Of course, the memory you’re trying to forge as you dutifully take note of your blessings is not perfect. Even when you are in pain next, it’s not like you can escape into your memories and really experience that relief. But the mere fact that on some level you actually know that you did take the opportunity to analyse what it feels like to not be in pain seems to somehow mitigate that longing for that same relief even when you’re suffering.  Even if you can't truly revisit that feeling, you know that you did all you could to memorize it, and somehow that's better.

At the end of the day what we’re talking about here is regret. Regret makes everything worse. Regret sours the good times with undertones of “could have been better if I...”. It tarnishes the best of memories with overall sense of “it’ll never be that good again”. Regret makes the things we should be grateful for into shaming devices on behalf of those with less, as we assault ourselves with forced empathy to turn our contentment or success inwards into a loathing for our privilege.

Yet I dare say, as someone who is themselves impoverished, that I would far more appreciate you enjoying what you have rather than squandering it with such futile and patronizing sentiments. Be thankful for what you have and don’t waste your life waiting for it to end or lose meaning. Live in ownership of your success, not constant fear of it. Even if it’s just one moment, be glad that you have what you have and forgive yourself for having it. I do.

Never allow yourself to be in a position where you find yourself not only losing what you had, but regretting the fact that you couldn’t simply take the time to be happy while you had it. And that’s what I want this holiday to really be about. Taking inventory of your gifts and privileges, but not feeling guilty for having them. Celebrate them! You don’t need to be told to spare a thought for those less fortunate, you should be doing that anyway. But when was the last time you spared a thought for yourself? Not lashing yourself for trespassing some immaterial line between comfort and selfishness.

Well this is the time. This is your time. Thank for what you’ve been given, thank for what you have. Whether you thank a deity, your parents, nature or even yourself (now there’s a concept!). Be thankful, be grateful, and let yourself really live in the moment. It’s okay, you have my permission. Do what the nice internet man says. He’ll take the hit. He’ll pay the imaginary price that your ingrained self-deprecation is demanding must be paid. You just leave that with me, and give yourself the gift of blissful self-awareness for just one day.

Give yourself the gift of selfish joy, allowing yourself to simply be with no strings attached. To take pleasure in everything you have without attempting to purchase it with an equal balance of shame. Give yourself the gift of acknowledging everything that is right in the world. It hasn’t ended. We’re not yet in nuclear wars. Wishing for world peace and an end to hunger is a noble sentiment, but at the same time, we don’t need to reach for the stars to have wishes granted. There are many wishes you have yet to make in darker days to come that for you, presently, are already granted.

So on this day, this thanks-having, I challenge you to write a small note of everything you can think of that isn’t wrong in your life. Every part of your body not currently hurting. Every luxury or convenience in your home. Every friend or loved one still in your life. If you’re young, take that much-envied chance to really grasp what it means to be young and enjoy that energy and power that comes with it. If you’re old, take some time to reflect on all the happy memories you already have, and the fact that you are still here to make more.

Take stock of all these things, and please... just be aware of them. Be aware of what it feels like to still have them. For them to be right and functional and normal. You don’t have to force it, you don’t need to be rolling around with joy. But perhaps, if you can manage a smile... next time things are much harder, the memory of that quiet little moment, that tiny contribution to the positive side of the scales will make things seem... not quite so bad.

The greatest bounty you’ve ever had that you should be grateful for, is life.
 

Wishing you a happy thanksgiving, happy thanks-having, and genera happiness.